TO GAME OR NOT TO GAME.

Now, an apology before I begin, because my brother, sister & best friend are all members of a group which I will now proceed to denigrate, deride and generally defecate on, verbally at least. You all know I still love you, even though you do, on occasion, irritate me beyond all belief or reason.

So, I’m going to talk about the word ‘gamer’.

Meaning, not as the logical amongst us would imagine, someone who games, just as someone who reads is a reader, and someone who drives is a driver, and someone who writes is a writer… if you don’t follow my point by now, hen you may as well turn back now; it’s all like this.

Anyway, gamer here meaning and applied exclusively (to the point of insanity) to those who care more about their next gaming session than personal hygiene - work and/or school - human interaction - paying various bills - general health of their bodies and bank account. Delete as appropriate.

I have been told, on occasions of which there is an exhaustive list, that I am not a gamer and - so far - I have agreed with this statement.

After all, I don’t own any console at the moment and the last one I did own (not counting the Nintendo DS as a console) was a PS1. Not terribly up to date, obviously. I don’t count the Nintendo DS, partially because it’s a handheld device and I wouldn’t call the Gameboy I had in my youth as a console either - but mostly because I got it solely to read 100 Best Books on.

I now have a Kindle, problem solved.

Where was I? Oh yes, the word gamer.

So, previously I would never have presumed to call myself a gamer, mainly because of the way I view games. I spend a lot of time watching other people play games because I see them as interactive films - I enjoy the cutscenes far more than the actual gameplay, and generally care more about the story than actually progressing or amassing points/loot.

Take the Portal games, for example. I still have not completed Portal I, because my gaming Achilles’ Heel is jumping with any semblance of accuracy. I had trouble with jumping in Spyro, so you can imagine how often I accidentally sent Chell falling to her inevitable doom. Yet I love both games, with a passion that borders on the sexual. I watched my various gamer friends&relations play through both games, made them (my brother in particular) stop to read EVERY SINGLE DAMN poster and piece of graffiti and any other piece of legible writing or interesting symbol. I am infatuated with the world of the games, with the characters, their dynamics, the theories, and the science- oh, the science.

The same goes for the Assassin’s Creed games, the Dragon Age games and, mostly because of the apparent requirement to kill dragons, Skyrim. I watch people play these like I’m watching a film, because I garner more enjoyment than attempting to play them and failing miserably.

I am one of those people - whose inability to play the game renders the game utterly demoralising and depressing. I have no wish to play Call of Duty or Mass Effect or Portal II, because I know that I will end up sobbing with frustration or breaking my pad over my knee.

I’ve lost the point I was trying to make at the beginning of this article - what was it? Oh yes, gamer.

The question I have is simple; what the fuck am I supposed to call myself? A non-gamer? A person-who-games-occasionally-with-the-right-game? Gamer-ish? Fair-weather gamer? I like the two-syllable approach you people are robbing me off, and I find myself having to hedge whenever I explain my not-a-gamer status.

‘I’m not a gamer, but I play a few games in a specific genre.’

‘I’m a gamer! Well, not really - I play X and X, but I’m not, like, proper into games.’

‘SOMEONE TALK TO ME ABOUT SYPRO, FOR THE LOVE OF GODS!’

Don’t get me wrong - I have nothing against elitism. I am quite an advocate of it, being a snob in many aspects of me own life (grammar, spelling, books, film, tv, clothes, fonts, computers - right down to what kind of teabags you use) but it’s simply illogical to me that I am banned from using such a widely encompassing umbrella term simply because I game only occasionally.

So I have made a decision (one I fully intend to be challenged loudly by the afore mentioned brother/sister/best friend) that I am damn well going to call myself a gamer.

With a nice caveat.

I’m a platform gamer - which I know is slightly ridiculous given my previous assessment of my ability to jump in game - because the games I can list off as having played (played meaning played either to completion or to a level where I can claim to have played it, not to have tried to) are Spyro, Rayman, Crash Bandicoot, Jak & Daxter, Rachet & Clank and Little Big Planet.

I hasten to add I have played other games, okay, but those are the ones I think I have played most successfully with the most enjoyment out of the actual game. Rather than the enjoyment that comes out of playing 3 Player with your siblings and accidentally getting them all killed. A lot. Repeatedly. And the ensuing verbal brawl. Then the actual brawl.

In conclusion, and at the very real risk of having my new status ripped to virtual shreds in the ensuing backlash, here I sit - a proud platform gamer.

Next bone to pick? Player fucking One and their fucking superiority complex ;)